Oedipus The King at Camlot Version 4.7
by MonkeyTaco
Summary: I didnt think it was possible, but this version is actually worse than the original.
1. Default Chapter

Umm... Hi.... I have this story called "Oedipus the King goes to Camelot Park, Wheee" and well... let me just say it was my first story, it was an assignment and... well... it was complete garbage, I later made it into a movie (with some other people helping) and well... that was crap as well... the dialogue was really different from the original script. So I figured I would change this to match it. Then I thought, nobody wants to read scripts! So I made it into a story...and needless to say... this story is crap too. It is awful, I assure you. But... well.... Live with it. Oh yeah, and by the way, I also spend a good portion of the story commenting on how bad the acting and writing and editing is, so if something doesn't make sense it is probably an inside joke that only three other people will get, and of those three... about one of them will read this. So it was pretty meaningless. But who do you think you are to judge my decision making? Yeah, that's what I thought! Well. Anyway, I have wasted enough time on this stupid thing. Back to watching TV!!!! Bye now....  
  
  
  
Oedipus The King goes to Camelot Park Version 4.7  
  
  
Today was a day like any other day. Birds chirping, dogs barking, and people of all ages wasting away their money at the local entertainment fun place known as Camelot Park.  
  
That's where I was as well, that fateful day. Me and my beautiful wife Jo.   
  
Who am I? My name is Ed, Ed king. This is my story, or more precisely, this is a single day in the story that is my life. The day that changed my life forever.   
  
It all started at the fourth hole of the golf course that spewed fourth my fate and my cursed doom.  
  
I had my little blue ball lowered to the mat ready to take a swing when suddenly I hear something. Something....very... Doomy.  
  
"I REALLY need to use the [potty hole]" Says my sweet loving wife.  
  
"Already?" I say, I could have sworn she went just half an hour ago.  
  
She nods at me as if to say 'Don't question the bodily functions of a woman, you stupid creep bastard!'  
  
"Okay, but I am going on with you" I tell her, expecting her to decide to stay. I guess she didn't love me enough to hold it until we were done, because like that, she was gone, leaving nothing behind but her club and ball.  
  
I wish we had said something a little more.... I don't know.... Profound. How was I supposed to know? She just went to the bathroom.... Right?  
  
So I continue on.... Doing rather horribly I might add. The elevator music toying with my mind! Until about the seventh hole when it all started to come crashing down...  
  
"Ed, Ed!" My friend yells to me from across the course.  
  
"What?" I yell back to him, what the hell is he doing here?  
  
"Didn't you hear me calling you?"  
  
"No" I heard nothing  
  
"You didn't hear the, like... thirty seconds of foreign language I just called."  
  
Him and me smile and nod for some odd reason, possibly an inside joke that none of the readers will understand....   
  
Then he hits me. Not very hard because he was a bit of a sissy.  
  
"[Ouch!]" I respond to his abuse, apparently I wasn't too manly myself.  
  
"Oh, well ummmm.... You remember that guy you killed a while ago, who was walking down the street?" He asks me. How could I forget.  
  
It was that same day that my CD player broke and my Incubus Cd was playing extremely fast [Another inside joke]  
  
He was just walking around, minding his own business, I don't remember why, but I must have been pissed off at something, possibly Jo was on her period again, she seemed to do it so often.   
  
Anyways, for some reason... I beat the living crap out of my unknowing street man! And... according to the local news... I killed him some good.  
  
What a creepy flash back! I thought to myself.   
  
Then I hit my friend in the face.  
  
"Ouch! Well anyway... hehe.... It turns out.... That he was your father"  
  
I felt my heart ripping itself out with a cancer soaked soup ladle upon hearing this, but I kept my facial expressions completely without feeling, as if to say "I am a horrible, horrible actor and I will never have a career, ever!" [Another one of them inside thingies]  
  
"But that's not the crazy part!" He tells me  
  
"Well what is the crazy part?" what could be worse than finding out you murdered your own father?  
  
"Well it turned out that his wife-"  
  
"My Mother" I interrupted, what an asshole I am.  
  
"[yes] Your mother... you started dating her, dude"  
  
Once again, the cancer ladle was pressed at my metaphorical insides when I heard this news, and once again... I looked like a anus of a catatonic Porcupine.  
  
"I had kids with that woman!" Is all I could think to say.  
  
"That's pretty sick dude."  
  
Then there was a long awkward pause that seemed to end abruptly as if to say 'If this was a movie, the editor should be raped with a pointy... thing'  
  
"Wow, your taking this waaaaay better than she did."  
  
"she....?" Who is she?  
  
JO! My mother, my wife, my lover! HE TOLD HER!  
  
"You told her already?" I said... with slightly more energy than earlier, but still quite pathetically.  
  
"Yeah... she said... something about...something...." My friend told me reluctantly.  
  
"Well come on we gotta go find her!" I tell him!  
  
So I go off running or something. That doominess I spoke of earlier I could fell inside me. I don't think my friend cared that much.  
  
"Where is she?" We look all over the place for her... I guess.  
  
Suddenly a bunch of images pop into my mind.  
  
SLOW  
  
...Huh?  
  
FAST  
  
...what the f...  
  
VERY FAST  
  
What did it all mean? Was this hell? Was I dreaming? I was going to EXPLODE WITH.... Confuseness!  
  
"Dude, isn't that her?"   
  
I look towards the batting cage.   
  
'Ohhhhhhhh, batting cage, duh!' Now I understood the prophecy in all its forshadowingy goodness.  
  
I was about to yell to her and say something like... 'I don't care if you're my mother' or 'I still want your body' or something like that, hell, I am not a very attractive man, I gotta take what I can get.  
  
But regardless of how desperate I was, it was too late.  
  
I watched as she walked into the batting cage marked "Very Fast". Put in a quarter and walked right past the bats and the helmets and stood right dead center in the middle of the cage.  
  
I don't know what I was doing at that time, probably watching or something.  
  
So the first ball is released and it hits her in the head and she falls to the ground. Still with a smile on her face for some reason.... Possibly one of those pain smiles... yeah that must have been it.  
  
Suddenly Camelot park starts to play "Seeing red" by unwritten law for some reason.   
  
I just stare down at her dead body (or at least I assume she is dead, I didn't check or anything.)  
  
"Didn't expect that to happen, dude" my friend says and walks off.  
  
I just stare at her body, that song coincidentally fits with the event as if Camelot park was saying "Ha, you had sex with your mother and now she's dead! HAHA, Camelot Park strikes again!"  
  
I didn't know what else to do. I probably should have just gone home or something.   
  
But no, as I crouched there before my slain lover, I just looked for a way to release the horror-y badness that I was filled with.  
  
I looked to my side and found our score card!  
  
I could go turn in our card and go play video games!  
  
And that's what I was about to do until I saw the two golf pencils next to the card. I don't know why there was two of them, but there was.  
  
I slowly picked them up and thought to myself... What would Jesus do?  
  
So with little hesitation, I waited until the chorus of Seeing red and plunged the pencils into my eyeballs and blinded myself for some reason.  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
I started to sob like a little girl.  
  
"What are you doing?" my friend comes back and says, just in time to NOT stop me, the stupid prick.  
  
And then I guess I went to bed.  
  
I know I said it was one day, but I lied, here is some more...  
  
I met with my daughters anne and issy the next day. Boy were they gonna be surprised.  
  
"So that was how your father came to be blind" I tell them, with duct tape wrapped around my head.  
  
I told them the whole story.  
  
"You sick piece of crap" Anne says [fifty takes later]  
  
"Oh Anne, grow up!"  
  
"How could you do that?" My other daughter says to me.  
  
"I told you already, I had never met her before, how was I supposed to know?"  
  
"But she looks just like YOU!!!!!" Anne says  
  
Good point....   
  
"Maybe that's what I saw in her, I don't know..."  
  
They stare at me... and then I talk some more.  
  
"Well, I am gonna go wander the earth, forgive myself, yadda yadda yadda"  
  
"Ummm....k"  
  
More of that good... awkward silence.  
  
"I'm gonna miss you girls" I try to hug them  
  
"Ugh! Get away from me [I cant act and neither can you, I hope you die!]" She says... pretty much.  
  
"Oh.... Umm... okay, well I am off then... I left some dinner in the fridge... if you need me, you have my cell phone number.... And I guess I will see you later er-"  
  
I fall down some stares and this stupid travesty ends. 


	2. The sucky original script thingy

In case you miss the first one for some reason... here it is...filled with sucky goodness.   
  
  
Oedipus scene  
  
Oedipus and Jocasta are at Camelot Park playing miniature golf. They are happily talking and playing when Oedipus tells her that he is thirsty.  
  
Oedipus- Man, I'm thirsty, I think I am going to go get something to drink from inside.  
  
Jocasta- Okay, hurry back  
  
Oedipus- Oh, I will  
  
Oedipus smiles and walks off the golf course and into the arcade area. Jocasta sits and waits. Time passes and Oedipus is standing in line at the food area, waiting to order a drink. Suddenly his friend runs up to him.  
  
Friend- (30 seconds of foreign language)  
  
Oedipus- wha-what?  
  
Friend- I said, "Dude, I just found out some really really bad news!" Apparently your girlfriend Jokasta, well she is in actuality your mother.  
  
1 Oedipus just looks at him in confusion  
  
Friend- Well, You know how you were adopted and you never met your parents, right?  
  
Oedipus- Well. yeah, I do. Why?  
  
Friend- Yeah, ummm.. See.. Supposedly a long time ago, you killed your father not knowing that he was your father, right, and well.. Not knowing that your mother was your mother. you started dating her. and well.. You got married to her and had some kids. Yeah. that's all I had to tell ya.  
  
Scene of Oedipus killing his dad, and taking his mom.  
  
Oedipus- WHAT?!!!!!!! What the hell are you talking about?? She cant be my mother she's my girlf- my girlfr- Oh my god!!  
  
Friend- yeah see. that's what happens when yer adopted. You could be dating your own mother and you would never even know it. Sure glad my parents are dead.  
  
Oedipus- But but but. How did you find out?  
  
Friend- Oh I have my ways. You are taking this a lot better than your mother did.  
  
Oedipus- my mo- you told her already??  
  
Friend- yeah she was kind of freaking out and stuttering about and mumbling and what not.  
  
Oedipus- Oh crap!  
  
Oedipus and his friend go running towards the golf course, Jokasta is no longer there. The friend taps him on the shoulder.  
  
Friend- Hey, Oed, isn't that her?  
  
Oedipus looks over to the Batting cage to see her opening the cage and stepping in. She doesn't pick up a bat but puts a coin in the machine and stands right in the middle of the cage.  
  
Oedipus- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Oedipus starts to run towards the cages, but the ball already is released and strikes her in the face. Killing her. Oedipus runs to her and checks for a pulse. There is none.  
  
Oedipus- Oh god, why did this happen???  
  
Friend- Wow, sorry dude, didn't expect that.  
  
Oedipus looks in terror down at the ground by the golf clubs and sees two golf tees. He grabs them and picks them up and stabs himself in the eyes with them repeatedly.  
  
Friend- Dude, what are you doing?  
  
2 Oedipus says nothing just stabs himself repeatedly. Friend just shakes head  
  
Friend- Call the medics.  
  
__  
  
Oedipus is now talking to his daughters about how he went blind.  
  
Oedipus- and that is how your daddy came to loosing his eye sight  
  
Daughters just look at him with blank stares.  
  
Oedipus- So now, I guess I am going to wonder the earth for a while or something. Try to forgive myself and all.  
  
Antigone- You sick piece of crap!  
  
Oedipus- Oh, Anne, grow up!  
  
Ismene- How did you not know she was your mother???  
  
Oedipus- I've gone over this already. I told you, I was adopted, I had never met her, how would I know?  
  
Antigone- Yeah, but she looks like you!  
  
Oedipus- Well maybe that's what I saw in her, I don't know, sheesh!  
  
Antigone and Ismene shake their heads in disbelief.  
  
Oedipus- well anyway, as I said, I am going to leave you now. Wonder the earth, yadda yadda yadda.  
  
Ismene and Antigone- .Kay  
  
Oedipus- Yep well this is it, I love you girls.  
  
Oedipus starts to hug them  
  
Antigone- Ack, Don't touch me!  
  
Oedipus- Oh, ummm. okay, well anyways, I am going to wonder now. I left food in the microwave, If you need anything you have my cell phone number. I will see you both soon.. (Rambles on)  
  
He continues talking as the daughters and him walk in separate directions. He trips over something  
  
Screen goes black  
  
Text- And they all lived happily ever after 


End file.
